dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
