I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
