I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
