Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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