She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
