Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
