She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
