I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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