i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
