I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
