when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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