either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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