Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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