You just made me feel so damn special
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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