you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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