You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
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Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
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I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!