Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
