Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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