oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Its about making memories worth repressing
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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