Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
