The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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