BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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