he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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