You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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