if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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