My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
