Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
