He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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