How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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