It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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