The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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