I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
