gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
