Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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