This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
