she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
