So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
