two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
