Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
and you fell through a lawn chair
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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