And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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