You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
