It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
