matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
