God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
