Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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