Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
