6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
