You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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