i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
