dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
