I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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