Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
