i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
