You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
