just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
