I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
did i walk over a car last night?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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