ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
