Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
