1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i permit you to call me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
