I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
