we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
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I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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