i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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