no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
